Thursday 28th June 2012 - The Journey Home

18:48 Semi fast to Watford

Hello folks. And where did the lovely weather suddenly come from? Woah, more of that please. I went for a walk around the Square at work at lunchtime and their were children playing and records playing (no that's not right but you get the jist right?)

There is a girl opposite reading that book that has had much air time recently, yep "fifty shades of grey"... She is on page 46 and looks to be into it. I can't tell if she is blushing (south Indian) but will let you know if she faints as a result of the excitement. It's interesting I think why it's ok for ladies to openly read that book, but you try reading a porno magazine on the tube and it's huff this and huff that...

29 days to go...hurrah

Headline today is "bankers in fixing scandal let off". Errr, it says they could be let off from prosecution. Hmm huff huff...

Beckham has been left out of the team GB squad. Oh dear, bet he didn't see that curve ball...

Woah, there is a story about Wimbledon serving up grunt-o-meters to curb scream queens. Nice.

Read the rest of the paper and yep it was boring.

The woman is still reading the book and has now put on her sunglasses, not sure what that signifies, but she has also starting swigging from her water bottle.

This blog was brought to you by 50 shades of...

There is a man who is extremely hungry and has broken out the fruit salad (M&S) from his bag and scoffin it down. He is standing next to shades of grey lady so wondering if he too has been reading it over her shoulder and suffering the effects...

The bloke next to me has just gone 'humf humf'.. Let's see why..

Ah, he's just has a text message that said 'will you get me a box of chocolates?'. Nice! Let's see what he types in response.

"I'm just at Wembley Park and this is a semi fast!". Brilliant! That won't be the mistress he's texting then!

Right, let's leave it there! Have a great Humf.

A small man called Kawks

Wednesday 27th June 2012 - The journey home

18:03 semi fast to Watford

Hello peeps. Yep, back to normal time today, no work events today which is just as well as the footies on today. :-)

Not got a seat yet, and we are already at Great Portland street...not that "Great" if you ask me...

There is a bloke next to me who is with his 'girl'. I know this as not only is she holding the pole in the middle, but in typical caveman style, he also has his hand round her back in that "hmmf back off everyone she is mine". That's fine but does he really need to keep pinching her bum every few seconds? Yes I know I don't have to look, but I'm nosy..what can I say?...

Phew, they have just got off so we can get on with more pressing matters (see what I did there)...

Headline is "handshake of history"..Great. All of a sudden I have a sudden urge for a macdonalds strawberry milkshake...

This blog was brought to you by...

Stop rambling Kawks, get on with it.

Oh yes, this was the historic meeting of the Queen and Martin Mcguiness who killed the queen's cousin 33 years ago. Would have been an interesting conversation right. In a squeaky voice,"and what do you do"...

Just read a piece by Tony Blair (he is special editor of the standard today) and it talks about what he's doing now he's not the boss man. Making a shed load of cash on the dinner circuit by all accounts though he's keen to point out that he pays 50% tax on all his earnings to the UK. You listening Mr Carr?

Interesting fact in the piece (see if you can this into the conversation at dinner time or the next time you have a Chinese takeaway....China plans to build 70 new international airports in the next 10 years whilst we are busy debating if we should have a third runway at Heathrow.

Woah, thanks Kawks, though the blog use to be quite jokey and fun, these days I'm really learning new stuff such as where to go to increase my salt intake and what the previous PM is doing.

My pleasure folks, all part of the subscription...

And on that educational high, let's leave it there! Have a great sleep!

A small man called Kawks.

Tuesday 26th June 2012 - The Journey Home

21:49 All stations to Amersham

Good evening. Day 2 of the week and the second joker of the week has been used. Today we had one of our quarterly meetings at work followed by din dins at Vanilla Black, which is a vegetarian restaurant near work.

If you like salt, it's fantastic. If you like something a bit different (salt), it's fantastic. The pudding was actually rather good, as was the starter of cold soup with mint and the main of goats cheese and random spring roll style bits
The lady looking after us could have been slightly more welcoming though, and between me and you seemed a bit narked as she had us down for dinner at 6:30, rather the 7:45 when we finally rocked up. I reckon the salt on everything was probably her spitting on the food, but thats still technically vegetarian right?

All in all a 2.75 out of 5, and I reckon that's me sorted for salt intake for this month.

On with the show...

Thought for the day: What if you meet the girl of your dreams in your dreams...

Fact of the day: The average person spends over 121 hours a year on the toilet. I shit you not...

Found a discarded paper, so let's have a look. "Big Ben clock tower to be renamed as The Elizabeth Tower. Nice.

There is a pic of the spice girls who have got together after 4 yrs to launch their west end musical 'viva forever!'

Hmm, my neighbour used to have a vauxhall viva and it didn't last 2 months...that's all I'm saying dear blog readers...

Let's finish with some good news: I've just opened a shoe shop. So far I've successfully kept everyone away from it...

Right folks, soon time to head back to work! Have a great sleep,

A small man called Kawks

Monday 25th June 2012 - The Journey Home

21:09 All stations to Uxbridge

Good evening gang. Hope you have recovered from last night. All I can say is....where was the guy from the Mars Bar advert when we needed him...

Cheer up England. At least we can now concentrate on putting John Terry in prison...

Seriously, I think with what we've got, we did as well as we did. I overheard my mum say exactly the same thing to my dad when Preeti said she would marry me...

So today's new saying "New balls pls". That reminds me, did you see Serena play today...(sorry bit rude but it's past 9pm right)

I don't have the newspaper, so just gonna have to use other bits to keep you entertained tonight.

Apologies for the no show on Friday, but it was our work do, so after the mixing of drinks (coke, followed my lemonade and orange juice, followed by orange juice and lemonade, let me tell you...I was in no state to tube and blog at the same time...

Today's advert is "Curtains you can open with a remote control". How shit is that? All I wanted to do was change channels to something risqué on Channel 4 and now everyone can see me in my birthday suit from the 10th floor of my lastminute.com hotel...

Ooh ooh, bloke next to me has a paper. "Natwest opens on a Sunday for the first time". Nice, what do they want? a bank holiday? (see what I did there)

Right, time to catch a few zzzz's. Have a great sleep!

A small man called Kawks

Thursday 21st June 2012 - The Journey Home

18:26 All stations to Uxbridge

Welcome. Take a seat, the show will begin shortly...

Well hello folks, how are you all. Sorry for being a little bit late but my flight back from Jersey was delayed...

Hope you all got that last bit. Got to keep up with the news right?

A large lady has just sat on my suit jacket. Nice, saves ironing it right? Hope the apple mum gave me this morning hasn't been converted to a slice though.

That reminds me, I accidently left an apple outside my local GP's surgery this morning. He won't be able to get in.

Think about it folks, hope you got it. (apple a day..Dr away)...yeeeah good one Kawks.

Advert for the day (remember that slot), is for Farnborough Airshow 2012. It has the tagline "Spectacular in the air..and amazing on the ground". Woah sounds a lot like Stevie G to me.

Don't know about you, but those air shows feel a bit of let down if there aren't any little crashes...

So it's story time. Went to the Bar in the square with work folk today and
I was standing at the bar when this lady came up to me and said "Fancy buying me a drink?"

Being the polite chap I am (good Indian upbringing), I replied "If you let me choose."

She grinned, "But how do you know what I want?"

"Well, it's kind of a talent" I smiled, "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."

"OK", she giggled. "You can choose for me."

So I looked at the barman and said,"Diet coke mate."...

Boom. Sorry, that was 2 fatty boom boom jokes in one blog..will leave them alone for a bit now...they will be used to that anyway...

Across from me there is a bloke who nearly choked swallowing a tablet. I'm not surprised though, those iPads are bloody huge.

Right think I've offended everyone so probably best to leave it there!

Have a great sleep!

A small man called Kawks

Wednesday 20th June 2012 - The Journey Home

18:19 Semi fast to Watford

What a lovely day.

Have a great sleep

A small man called Kawks.

What? You want more? Oh ok then.

Headline today is "Boris wants to run our schools". Nice.

Hey before I forget, got to tell you about what happened last night. I had a dream that came true.I dreamt I was awake and when I woke up I was...woah scary stuff!

You know that saying "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have"? What a load of baloney! I'm now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume...

Back to my Homer Simpson outfit tomorrow...

So no footy today, not sure what do to for 2 hrs now. Might have to chat to that woman who cooks me dinner and generally looks after me...

Right better think what to talk about, so best to leave it there.

Ta Ta

Tuesday 19th June 2012 - The Journey Home

18:17 Semi fast to Watford

Come on England
Come on sun
Don't make us shout
Let's have some fun

Hello folks, so here we go again! Hope your looking forward to 7:45 tonight. I bloody love coronation street...

Roy Hodgson has tried to reassure any nervous England fans by saying 'Wayne Rooney has been scoring lots in training.' So our defence is shite, thanks Roy...

Reading in the paper that Nelson Mandela has been out of Prison for 14 years now and has not re-offended. Proof that jail works?...

The train is packed with like minded corrie fans so typing one handed. What I'm saying folks is that this won't be a long blog...

Woah just heard that there are problems on the line. Person ill on the train at Hillingdon and points failure at Uxbridge. Was about to do a big 'humphhh', then realised that neither will affect me as I get off at Rayners so thought - never mind these things happen...

Got a fact of the day for you and it's footy related. Got to keep it topical right? Did you know that Danny Welbeck dad is a bomb disposal expert called Stan? Boom!

The headline and most of the paper today is all about Rooney and how he will be the saviour. One report even compares him to Pele. Hmmm. Think
the closest Wayne Rooney is going to get to being like Pele is by having erection problems...

Right, and on that high, probably best to say that's your lot and have a great game!

A small man called Kawks.

Monday 18 June 2012 - The Journey Home

18:31 All stations to North Acton

Good evening gang. I trust you all ha lovely weekends and for the fathers in the group, you got fantastic FD presents. I'm certainly getting some interesting looks on the tube with my Homer Simpson slippers!

Headline is "Cricket star, 23 killed on Tube". Oh dear.

Really enjoying the footy everyday.
Preeti walked in and saw me watching the Germany vs Denmark game."Oh no! Football again? Can't we change the channel and watch something better than this!?" she moaned. "Sure babe," I said, turning it over to the Portugal vs Holland game...

In my opinion this England side already has its place booked in the final. Row B seats 21-32...

Next headline is "bus staff want £100 more each time they strike" woah...

Thought for the day: You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google...

There are hardly any people on this tube, so wondering if people are practising for the Olympics?...

Right, let's leave it there as I need to have a scratch. these slippers can get a bit itchy on the tube...

Have a great sleep!

A small man called Kawks

Friday 16th June 2012 - The Journey home

18:27 All stations to Uxbridge

Woo hoo. You know the rest. The train is jam packed and I couldn't even get my iPhone out of my pocket till Great Portland Street.

Left work a bit early to watch the Ukraine match on TV? Who is this 'Itzbin Raindov' bloke everybody is talking about...and why has the match not started yet?

Should be an interesting match. Ran some algorithmic hyperbole simulations at work regarding the England match and it said we would win 2-1.

Despite what some people think, England have played entertaining and beautiful football. Usually against it...

There is a man with a backpack, beard and reading some Arabic scriptures on his iPhone. Err racist. Sure he's here on holiday and he normally chants ahead of the England match. Oh, I think someone is calling me at the far end of the train, must dash...

Right, in the drivers carriage now so we can continue.

There is a woman next to me just holding a random bunch of flowers. No paper wrapping, just as they come out the ground. Nice...

Thought for the day: Broken glass tastes just like blood...

There is a chinese dude walking through the tube handing out leaflets. Listening in, think his name is tay kwon...

Oh, forgot to tell you that yesterday, I lent Preeti a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me...

Right folks, have a good one and see you all soon. Have a lovely sleep!

A small man called Kawks

Thursday 14th June 2012 - The Journey Home

19:34 Semi fast to Watford

Good news to share peeps. I went to the right country on the right day yesterday. Lovely long day, waking up at 3:43am (why do people always have to wake up at rounded time...live a little like me). I digress, where was I. Oh yeah, 3:43am woke Preeti up to tell her I would make my own tea (she last weeks blog for the joke) and then left for the airport at 5am to T5. Anyway, the day went really well and got back home at 8:30pm. Obviously no tube journey so no blog. As we Indians like to say "Rules are Rules"...

Today my dear blog readers is the anniversary of when Preeti came to the UK after we got married. 18 lovely years ago. She thought I had forgotten about her as she couldn't see us at arrivals. I was much shorter in those days...

It was a good job I had a picture to remind me of what she looked like as my "wedding interview" last 43 minutes and then a couple of days later, we got married and I came home. I mean how is a man supposed to remember what his wife looks like after not seeing her for 3 months...I learnt a lot from this little tale. I took a picture of a bulldog for when my mother in law first visited...


Woah, just seen the back page and it says that Harry Rednapp has left Spurs! He must be the first manager in history to have buckled under the pressure of the England job without actually having it...

Fact of the day: According to a recent survey, erectile dysfunction is no longer on the rise.

Let's check out the headlines. "Cameron: my 1,000 meetings to woo the media". Woooo h.

There is a brilliant story of the tourist who broke down near Buckingham palace. He left a lovely letter saying he had broken down and was waiting for the AA. He thought as he was 15 minutes away from the Palace, he decided to go and have a look, only to find his car has been blown up by the security forces, and then given a parking ticket. Brilliant. What did he expect. Indian looking dude (with a beard and hat) just walking off...

Right, let's leave it there..well actually perhaps not! Have a great sleep!

A small man called Kawks

Tuesday 15th June 2012 - The Journey Home

18:04 All stations to Uxbridge

Well hello there. Sorry for the no show yesterday, but the train was packed and I bumped into my sister so we chatted instead.

45 days to go...

The headline today is what the opening ceremony for the games is gonna look like. It's going to cost £27m so the fireworks better not be "ha va gay la"...
The ceremony will be inspired by the British countryside. Expect a burnt-out Ford Mondeo and at least one abandoned fridge...

There's a story about how apparently blind people think we discriminate against them for reading in braille. Well I'm sorry they feel that way...

Just reading about Ushers concert at the Hammersmith Apollo. Got 4 stars out of 5, and looks like everyone had a lovely time. Makes me wanna go...O oo o o oo.

There is a lady opposite reading a booklet on "Phytospecific". This is apparently a posh word or hair and skin care..there you've finally learnt something from this blog...

Hey, just seen that its Fathers Day on Thursday. Who hoo. There is a special 4 page special on what to get you dad. I've pulled this section away and will leave it for Raj and Preeti to study, with some items circled. (including a Nikon D3200 so so I can take better pics of random people on the tube).

Right, going sleep now as I'm going to Denmark (again) tomorrow.

Have a great sleep!

A small man called Kawks

Friday 8th June 2012 - The Journey Home

18:07 Semi Fast to Watford

Woah, didn't the week go by fast! It felt like a 3 day week to me.

Let's crack on. 2 ladies are talking about food. Whether to go to Maccy D's or Nandos. La di da...

Lady opposite is reading 'fifty shades of grey" by EL James. On page 23 and she still looks interested.

Headline today is 'England plea to stamp out Racism'. Wonder if Terry will be their spokesman?

Hope you all have great plans for the weekend. I am planning on opening up a time capsule I made as a kid. I can't wait to see how pig my puppy is...

Thought for the day: I've never seen a tombstone that read "Died from not forwarding that email to 10 people"

Woah, just read that M & S are going to launch a bank in London next month. It won't be an ordinary Bank, it will be...(Audience participation time)

ooh, just seen that the euro millions is worth £126m tonight. It has the strapline (Tonight. It just keeps getting bigger).

Which reminds me of one of my chat up lines, but probably best to leave it there...ahem. Have a great sleep!

A small man called Kawks.

Thursday 7th June 2012 - The Journey Home

19:27 Semi Fast to Watford

Hello gang. And yes, before you ask, I went to all the right meetings in the right countries today! Doh!

Not done a normal blog for ages. Let's look around...

Emma (I know that as she has a label on her laptop) has been tapping away on her Dell computer since I joined the tube. She seems very diligent and making lots of edits to her document, referring to her hand written notes every few moments.

The girl next to her has clearly given up on Summer and is wearing a coat and scarf. You forgot the gloves love...

It's just been announced that the strain is running 4 mins EARLY so we are gonna stay at Baker Street for a bit. Nice...

Obviously for someone as efficient as Emma, this was not good enough as she has left the train to type her notes on another train...

Preeti rang earlier to tell me about the Honda as it had its MoT today.

"How did it go?"

"Well..." she replied. "The steering's knackered, the headlights need work, the bumper needs replacing, the suspension's buggered and the clutch is sticking."

"I take it that's a fail," I said sarcastically.

"Oh, no," she replied. "It passed. I did all that on the way home."...

Boom!

Headline today is "water bungle floods tube" - with 2m litres of water. Eoah, I thought there was a drought in this country!

Today folks, there are only 50 days to go till the Olympics start. Whoo hoo. And guess who had their table tennis tickets delivered on Saturday. They even come with free travel to the venue. What more could you possible want...ping pong, ding along...

And that's just whose playing...

Sticking with the theme, I see that Usain Bolt thinks he's capable of running at 40mph. You might think that's good, but if he hits a child there's an 80% chance they will die...

Anyone seen the new Samsung Galaxy
S3. It has a tag line of "Designed for humans". Aren't all phones made for that purpose?...

Right, thing that will do for today. Have a great sleep.

A small man called Kawks

Wednesday 6th June 2012 - Blog special

05:00 Taxi to Airport

Good morning folks. I won't raise my voice as its well early and the neighbours are probably still asleep.

To make up for the no show the last couple of days, thought I would make it up to you with a blog special.

This morning my journey is to a meeting in Copenhagen, Denmark. Off for a day trip and back in the evening,

Had 2 missed calls from the taxi man who got here at 4.45am, but he will have to wait as Preeti hasn't made my tea yet...Before you say anything, I did wake her up to say that I'll make my own tea, but luckily by having this conversation, she was awake so said she would do it!

The taxi man talked non stop to the Airport. He told me 2 long (boring) stories. The first involved him recounting in great detail how he 2 yrs ago (he's been mini-cabbing for 3) gave 2 missed calls to a customer and had to wait 10 minutes before the bloke came out. Then, he recited the story of the black women (not sure of how this is really relevant) who said that she will be 5 minutes, came out after 5 minutes and said she will be 5 minutes...you get the jist..in the end it was 20mins. She wanted to go to Gatwick (55miles) and she now only had an hour to her flight and they encountered traffic, fog and breaking the odd speed limit. With 10 mins to go, she made it, but not before a load of tears from her about not making the flight.

So the thought for the day is 'wear headphones or sunglasses if you don't want to hear stories from the cab driver.

I couldn't even be bothered to ask him the 2 standard questions.

1. What time you working till
2. Been doing this long (as he had already told me)

He told me how much he loved his job and how he was his own master and no one was gonna order him about. To which I said, 'Turn left here'...(copyright Jimmy Carr).

Got the flight and landed at 9:30am (Denmark time), didn't see any of the other Deloitte people though it was a full flight. Little worried about that...

Not sure about the breakfast. It was a cheese sandwich which I thought was fine, until I read it closer and it was Brie! In economy as well, what's wrong with Cheddar or Red Leicester? And it had bloody grapes in it as well. Just drank the orange juice and fell asleep.

OMG!!!! Just been confirmed that I'm a tad early for the meeting, and it's actually next Wednesday! Oops.

Changed my flight from this evening to one at 2pm and spent the morning in the Hilton reception area doing emails.

Thought about doing some sightseeing but a bit boring on your own so will just pretend I'm a hotel customer.

Right, think after today, got another story to tell the grandkids! Talk about 'The Journey Home!'

Have a great flight...

A small man called Kawks