Monday 30th April - The Journey Home

18:04 Semi fast to Watford

Well hello there. I trust you all had a wonderful wet weekend! It was droughting cats and dogs in Harrow.

So I've discovered a new hobby this weekend which is shooting. Yes from online to the real thing. It was a bit scary to begin but a couple of hours later, I was squinting and holding my breath like a professional. Not sure they were that impressed with that look at Harrow Nightclub though.

The tube is quite busy (112%) but I've managed to get a seat. This 'blog on board' badge I made last night is really working. Don't worry old lady, with this new (rubbish) met line you will hardly notice that you've been standing for 1hr 15 mins.

Today's headline is "Ring of middle sites in Capital". Woah. There will be 6 sites and will be guarding us against a 9/11 attack. Hmm not sure that's money well spent as surely the games will be over by 9/11...It goes onto say that it's Cameron who will decide when to press the button. Woah, let's hope he's not on the loo if it all kicks off..

Thought for the day: Why did controlling one quarter of the world not translate into one quarter of the world having the same shaped plug socket as us?

Goodness gracious me! That's right, they are making a new series of 4 shows due to air in the summer.

Before I go on, did I tell you that my grandfather was a bitter man...He hated any other types of beer.

There is an article about the long queues at Heathrow and the fact that it took 3 hrs for some peeps to get through security. They have brought in reinforcements from manchester to help out so from today there should be 3 desks manned rather than the regular 2. I don't know about you, but do you put on a posh English voice, when it comes to your turn. I know I do...

I'm in the dog house this week. Only took Preeti to Thorpe Park yesterday and we visited the hall of mirrors. "Look love, they've got one of those mirrors that makes you look well fat". To which she replied "that's a normal one"

Let's just say the beans on toast dinner I cooked myself was lovely.

Right, Rayners is in sight, so let's leave it there. Have a great sleep.

A small man called Kawks.

Friday 27th April 2012 - The Journey Home

18:48 All stations to Uxbridge

Whoo hoo, yes folks, your thinking it, I'm thinking it. That's right, it's stopped raining for a bit.

The man next to me is reading Hunger Games (catch the fire). He is 37yrs old according to the facial recognition software I've just used and he is a banker called Dave. Rajvi should be getting her copy today (via Amazon - £3.99), as she has just finished the first one. Before you ask, yep she said the book is better than the film. When was that not the case, apart from Speed 2.

I went to Shoe Lane Library this afternoon to ask if they had any books on Suicide. The librarian refused to give it to me as he said that it's the 5th copy they have brought, as no one bothers to return it. Joke guys! No need to ring the samaritans for me. I'm having the time of my life!

Today's blog is an milestone. Why you ask, and why are the characters so massive. Well that's because I'm typing it on my iPad as both my iPhone and Blackberry are dead. I'm having to be extra careful so no one can read what I'm typing, especially when it's about them!

Had some bad news at work today. Got an email to say that I had failed my fire safety training. The question was 'in the event of a fire, what steps should you take?' Apparently 'bloody big ones' was the wrong answer...

We are at Wembley Park and the tube is 34% full. Everyone looks tired and busy looking into their gadget.

Today's headline is "Terminal Chaos hits Heathrow". Woah, sounds like some evil super hero. It says that the airport was branded "omni-megashambles". Gonna see if I can use that word in some of my meetings going forward. It goes on to say that tennis star, Andy Murray and Alistair Campbell faced lengthy delays. So not all bad then...

They say that one in every seven friends has OCD. It's not me. It's either Albert, Brian, Craig, Dave, Edward or Fred...

So, after work today I decided to have a cheeky orange juice before heading home. Next to me, and to my surprise, there was a clock sat at the bar having a drink. The barman told me that he often comes in to unwind...

Boom! and we are at Rayners. Have a great weekend and a lovely sleep.

A small man called Kawks

Thursday 26th April 2012 - The Journey Home

18:37 Fast Amersham


Hello gang. I'm seeing a few smiles on the train this evening. This means one of three things (can you tell I've been on a presentation skills course).

1. It's coming to the end of the week
2. It's stopped raining
3. People have indigestion

I'm going to start with the sporting headlines today (who says I don't listen to reader feedback).

"Suspended Terry can lift trophy, says UEFA." Hmm, not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration?

The front page headline today is "Police probe London voting fraud". Err.
It talks about the creation of bogus voters in the east end. What! The Queen Vic ain't real?

I don't know why, but I've just had a random thought about Father Christmas (as you do). I'm not sure if you are with me on this one dear blog reader but I've kinda fallen out with him due to his favouritism. I mean why should the rich kids get the best presents from him...

There is one of those world poems in the carriage today. It starts...

A street in Bath, a bus in Medellin
A gesture in Gyeongiu, a yellow f

Damn, must have dosed off there and we are nearly at harrow on the hill...

Thought for the day: Change is a part of life. After all, you can't expect to always have the right amount in cash...

Right, let's leave it there! Have a great sleep.

A small man called Kawks

Wednesday 25th April 2012 - The Journey Home

20:03 All stations to Chesham

Good evening everyone. On my way home after a lovely dinner at Pizza Express (don't tell Preeti).

This could be a short blog as there are no papers and only 23% passengers and it's the new train so no adverts.

Have a great Sle...

No one is talking so I can't even listen in. This tube is running with delays as someone went under the line earlier. I was in shock to be honest with you. I mean it's not even a Monday or Friday...Maybe they got their days mixed up with all this rain.

So this morning, I thought I'd make a buck or two by putting some of my DVD films on EBay. To my horror, I've just been alerted to the fact that 6 people are watching it! Why would they buy it from me now?

Random thought of the day: I bought a mouthwash which says, "24 hour protection". If that is the case, then why the hell do I have to "use it twice daily"?

At work today, everyone was talking about the Chelsea Barca match. Torres goal meant that Chelsea went through on the No-Way goals rule...

We have got to Wembley park and I'm gonna have a nap for a bit.

See you folks tomorrow. Have a great sleep.

A small man called Kawks

Tuesday 24th April 2012 - The Journey Home

17:47 Fast to Chesham

Well hello there. I've been in Buxton all day today and there is some fantastic scenery there. An early start as I left the house at 6:18, but very worthwhile.

Managed to get a seat at Euston, so everything is well with the world.

There are 2 chaps talking about the cost of upkeep for sports cars. Apparently, changing spark plugs on a merc SL is 800 dollars. Nice.

Today's headline is "Murdoch bombshell for Torres". Oooh. He has basically ratted on the PM and culture secretary. Somebody gonna get a hurt...

There is also a story about the ex-yahoo boss settling his $71m divorce. I wonder what he said when it went through. yaho..no sorry it's gone...

The chaps are now talking about what they want to do in 10yrs time and one of them wants to work in a supermarket and "smile at people". Nice, I wonder what they do now...whatever it is, they are using the words "stressed out", quite a lot.

Whose looking forward to tonight? I can't see Chelsea losing to Barcelona tonight. I don't have Sky Sports...

Thought for the day: "Hold your horses" Because even horses need a little love.

Ahem.Right, let's leave it there!

Have a great sleep,

A small man called Kawks

Monday 21st April - The Journey Home

18:18 Fast to Chesham

Good evening. This is the news. Well it would have been if I'd remembered to get the ES. Oh well, will have to fill the blog with people watching and jokes instead.

It's another jammed packed train (142%). I didn't get a seat either this morning so thanks Met Line. My balancing skills are coming along brilliantly. Hey what do you call a Sikh guy who can stand in the carriage without holding onto anything. Damn, should have done the balancing (Balan Singh) joke a bit earlier!

There are 2 ladies talking about Barcelona. Apparently they both love it. Especially the scenery, the food and the buildings. Nice, I've learnt a lot there.

I don't know about you, but I've recently started getting emails from some psychic woman offering her services .If she was that bloody good, she would know i'm not interested...

Yesterday, I thought I would do the romantic/family thing and take Preeti and Rajvi out to see a movie. Not sure they believed me when I said that only Battlefield was showing and I think they secretly loved the aliens, battle scenes, blood and gore. Let's just say they were speechless and I'm still waiting for feedback...

We also went to the garden centre where I did an impulse buy of a garden swing/hammock which looks very cool. The fun part was when we took the big box to the car and realised it wouldn't fit as both Raj and Preeti were with me. In the end I did a swap and left Preeti at the garden centre...

Just overlooking someone reading the paper. "Worlds top restaurant comes to London". Wowza, but I thought Sakonis had been here for a while...

Ok, my page turner is on another page now. Headline is "Olympic organisers have released details of what will be the busiest rail and tube 'hotspots' during the Olympics." Great, that should save the terrorists some time...

Some yoof is tapping away on his IPhone. Let's have a closer look...
"Dnt wanna go bk 2 school 2moz :/" -

Hmm, just wondering if to be honest with him and suggest that he really should...I mean what kind of bad ass spelling is that?

Before I do, let's end it there, just in case I spend the rest of the evening in Northwick park casualty!

Have a great sleep,

A small man called Kawks

Friday 20th April - The Journey Home

18:23 All stations to not sure

Whoo hoo and that's another week of my life that I won't be getting back. It's been a good one and now it's time for a rest. Having said that, I've got some homework to do so that's Saturday sorted.

So where to start? Let's start with Health and Safety! Being very health and safety conscious, This morning I put rock salt all over a huge ice patch in Rocksbourne Park (Harrow). I prevented a lot of people slipping over but, on the down side, I'm now banned from the Ice rink...

This chap opposite me is doing one of those French faces (bottom lip out, arty look) whilst he his looking at his pictures on his fancy dan camera. I know it's a good one as the zoom bit is bigger than the camera.

There is also a chap who has just got on at Euston Station with a steel briefcase and is now reading some sort of Formula 1 magazine. All he needs now is some handcuffs to connect to the briefcase and some sun glasses and he will look like a secret member of the CIA...

An elderly gentlemen (64) has just managed to squeeze in between the other two chaps. Nice, and at least they will all feel warmer...

Someone has just left their half eaten take away on the floor. That's disgusting! I mean mayo rather than ketchup with your chips...

Ooh, just seen that its the London Marathon this weekend. Last year my mates sponsored me to run it backwards. It took me over eight hours to fight my way through the oncoming crowd but eventually I made it to the starting line.

Headline is "spy in the bag". No this isn't the latest fad lunch but the poor spy who was found dead in a holdall.

There is a nice advert about a sale at DFS and a wonderful offer they have JUST this weekend. I've just bought a new coffee table and it's rubbish! I've poured loads of hot water on it but it still tastes like wood...

Looking at the business pages now and good to see that Cadbury's have just donated a giant chocolate bar to the Bank of England. It's a massive boost for the economy...

Ahem..let's leave it there. Wishing you all a lovely sleep!

A small man called Kawks.

Thursday 19th April - Inspirational Blog

18:26 All stations to Ruislip (Pic line)

Hello readers. Slightly different blog today as I've been at an all day event held at the BAFTAs (195 Piccadilly), few doors down from the Ritz. (As you do)

So, where to begin...a lot of really interesting tech and visions of the future for analytics. There were some new terms I learnt such as a Yaughtabyte, which is used to describe a volume of data that is 1 followed by 23 zeros. Nice! and one of the facts by the Google man was that we create the same amount of new content in 3 days that previously took over 2 years to generate! Wowza...probably a bit of that is because of my blog content...

He also showed something called Google Hangout which is really cool. We had a live demo of this girl in California (Daria something) who has over 1.2million followers, and sang one of her songs and had some of her fans from across the world providing comment. The neat thing about this video conference tool was as someone spoke, it automatically shows your webcam. check it out! Thinking of doing one of my blogs on there. Let me know if you want to join me!

The place was very grand, had a lovely coffee room, historic cinema style auditorium and some art deco loos! Most of the cinema chairs were 'endowed' which I think means sponsored by celebs or professional bodies. I sat in Michael Canes seat after mistakenly sitting in Nigel Lithgoe's (who - exactly!) seat for about 10 seconds before realising I could do better...

The best bit (apart from seeing Kate Winslet in the coffee room) and sitting on Angelina's knee was the really powerful speech by Sir Michael Woodward. He talked about the DNA of a champion, the fact that we all have talent but what makes a champion. A couple of great quotes including "A great team is made up of great individuals" and "Talent alone is not enough". He said that don't expect respect from your team just cos you are the boss. You have to earn it and take them on the journey with you. Maybe I need more than one liners in that case...

Finally he talked about time management and blocking out time in your diary so you have some time to do the things that you need to do. So if you can't get hold of me from 10-11am, that's cos I will be drafting my blog.

Key words were attitude, motivation and pressure. He talked about what separates the greats from the champions, was their ability to operate at the highest level under the highest pressure (world cup rugby final). I totally got it as I recounted the other day when I pressed on the smartboard and nothing happened...

Wowza, this sounds like some sort of BAFTA speech now, but big respect to him and before I had a chance, someone already asked him whether he would consider being the next England Manager!

And to finish, there are two human behaviours that I've witnessed which I wanted to share.

When people are running down the stairs for the tube and realise they won't make it, why do they pretend that they didn't really want it anyway and slow right down.

Secondly, Are you one of those keen environmentalists (like most people), that only wash your hands when there's someone else in the bathroom at the same time.

And before you ask, yes both Kate Winslet and Angellina both washed theirs and I'm now being escorted out of the building so let's leave it there.

Have a lovely sleep darlings,

A small man called Kawks

Wednesday 18th April 2012 - The Journey Home

18:32 All stations to Uxbridge

Well hello there and am fairly early on my journey home. Today's book being read by a met line passenger is...damn, she's put it away!

There are some yoofs on the train who are trying to look supercool. It's quite funny how a number of the posher peeps have just put away their iPads! Lool.

There are now two dentists (Muslim) talking about some of the recent treatments they have been doing on their patients. They are talking about indirect bonding and the success of a recent treatment. He used to get the lab to do it paying £375, but now has more confidence to do it himself. So if you need a fixed retainer, see the Muslim bloke in carriage 7.

Hey! Before I forget, have you seen the film 'Constipation'? Course you haven't, it hasn't come out yet!...boom! The Kawks is on fire today.

Headline today is "don't just hug a hoodie, hire one'. Woah. This is Cameron's idea to beat unemployment!

That's where I was going wrong...I was just hugging them and walking away...

Actually, I have some bad news to share. My band is after breaking up and it's all my fault...I stretched the elastic too far...

There is a piece on Simon Cowell saying that he uses Botox (knew that), chest waxes (knew that), dyes his hair black (knew that), only uses black toilet paper (kne...). What the hell!!

Looking at the business pages and I see that Domino's have built more than 600 shops in the UK since 1985. I don't know about you, but I'm really tempted to knock them all down...

Right battery going down, Which makes me wonder why I even bother having a smartphone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline...

Harrow is in sight, so let's leave it there and I hope you have a lovely sleep,

A small man called Kawks

Tuesday 17th April 2012 - The Journey Home

19:18 All Station to Uxbridge

Hello gang, I hope you have been enjoying the lovely rain today. I heard that the hose pipe ban will stay in force till at least Christmas though. Which is a shame as the Bulgarians running most the car wash businesses in our area have had to go back to good old export services (trafficking and drugs).

Oh how times change. For example:

1612: "Oh Charles, I write to inform you I have received your letter and I've been left quite speechless"

2012: "K"

The man opposite has quite an interesting book mark. It's a Club 182 business card (182-184 Preston Road, Ha9 3rb). Classy mate.

Today's headline is "stay and enjoy the games of a lifetime". No this isn't being said by the human traffickers but by Seb Coe. Well Seb, I hope you have a big house...

Ooh ooh, there is an advert about tickets from London to Birmingham by train for 50p. There are 20,000 available so if you are interested, see page 17...

Time for a story me thinks...

Looking around this carriage, I feel that the ingenuity and inventiveness of the human race is nothing short of astounding. I mean look how far we have come. At one time early humans were just walking around naked. Then they invented clothes and learned to build dens to live in, discovered the wheel and learned how to make tools. Then came farming and organised civilisations. Eventually we had the industrial revolution and machinery. Then we learnt to fly and invented TV and Radio followed by computers that were quicker than any human brain. (good huh). Then came the invention of the internet, the super highway of information that enables people all over the world to sit and watch other people er... walking around naked.

Now that's progress, and that's my stop so I wish you all a lovely sleep,

A small man called Kawks

Monday 16th April 2012 - The Journey Home

19:20 Semi Fast to Chesham

Well hello there. I trust you had a lovely day at work. Another long one for me as I was in work by 7.30 but that's what happens when you love your work and people pretend to laugh at your jokes...

I had a quick look at the blogger stats yesterday and we are through the 4,000 barrier. Whoo hoo. Thank you one and all and 6,000 more and the gig goes live. To celebrate this titanic breakthrough (see what I did there) I will be doing a rap poem special as is now customary. Watch out for this later in the week.

The train is very quiet and only 31% full. Not even anyone standing. Perhaps everyone decided to practice for jubilee or Olympics week by "working" from home.

Before I forget, I saw that the government bill to ban alcohol was met by a chorus of booze...

Looking at the headlines and I see that
'Twister kills fifteen in Kansas'. Anybody else think the Americans may be playing it wrong...

There is an article headed "Poisoned briton got too greedy". This was a chap murdered in China who is thought to have demanded a bigger slice of the £800m profits. Woah.

There is also the sad story of the bloke who killed all those poor children in Norway. He said he killed them in self defence. Huh?

Before I forget, one of my work mates is having his wedding reception in Mcdonalds this weekend. He said it will be his last happy meal...

Looking at the trends section, and it says that on the streets of fashionable east London, everyone is dying their eyebrows. Rich shades of blue being most popular. Woah. Must tell Preeti.

And with that, it's time to big you a lovely good night and a great sleep,

A small man called Kawks.

Friday 13th April 2012 - The Journey Home

18:05 Semi Fast to Watford

Whoo hoo. It's Friday and we are feeling good! The train is fairly quiet with 63% capacity.

I spent most of today blowing my nose as I have man flu, and it's already getting quite tiresome.

So last night the waiter said, "Your table will be ready shortly." This is the last time I'll be going to Ikea's restaurant...

Today's headline is "I pledge to drive out Met racists". Nice.

There is also a story about the failure of the North Korea rocket, which broke up after 40 seconds. Hmm, I sense some scientists are gonna get hurt real bad...However, they have since reported their man on Saturn is doing well...

Ooh ooh, I've got some good news to share. I've just bought a sofa with three years free credit. I'm going to save a fortune on my phone bill...

Finally, all these stereotypical jokes about scousers and Liverpool Football Club are really out of proportion and inappropriate.I wish everybody would just calm down...

Have a great weekend and a lovely sleep,

A small man called Kawks

Thursday 12th April 2012 - The Journey Home

18:44 Semi Fast to Watford

Hey amigos, remember me? Yes I have been away for a while and I tried to do a blog yesterday but it crashed.

So, what have I missed since my last blogfession? Well what I've certainly learnt from my time in Spain last week is that the spanish like to put mushrooms in their paellan and to make sure the food is veggie, make sure it starts with the word "potatas" and ends in the word "bravas"

Thanks for all your lovely likes and comments on the new addition to the family yesterday. For those not currently my FB friend, I posted a pic of my new car. The comments were heartfelt and very genuine. My best one was "you jammy thing". Funny that as I got the same line when I married Preeti...who also said that now I have the Jag she won't be leaving me (this week)

So who watched that sinking of the concordia on C4 yesterday? Quite interesting I thought, and an interesting observation of human nature when the ship hits the fan (or rock) in this case..the line that I remember the most from the hour long programme was from the lady who had managed to get on one of the lifeboats, and rather than being thankful for escaping with her life said 'oh no, my ipad is still in my cabin"...brilliant lady, just brilliant.

Wow we are already at Finchley Road and I've not done my "what's in the news bit"

Before I do though, I just wanted to let you know that I'm really worried about my mates Parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

But my neighbour is too selfish to notice. He's always crying...

Headline is "Ken: you could buy an aircraft carrier with tax I've paid". Woah.

Also, mothercare is cutting 800 jobs as they close stores. Woah.

Finally Simon Cowell is set to fight "tooth and nail" for one direction. Yep I know your thinking it too. Woah.

Thought for the day: I find that organised people are just too lazy to look for things...

And with that, good to be back and have a lovely sleep,

A small man called Kawks

Thursday 5th April 2012 - The Journey Home

18:25 All stations to Uxbridge

Well hello there, long time, long time.
Thanks for checking in and yes I'm still alive. I've been at a work conference for the last 3 days in Barcelona (who bent their tongue a bit when saying that) and as I had no tube journey from the hotel conference area to the hotel room, so..there was no journey to tell you about.

I hope you all have your best smiles on as it's a 4 day break (Thank god for that!)..see what I did there...

For a change we are off to Spain again for the break so that should be nice though to be honest with you my dear blog reader, I think I've had my fill of mushroom paella for 2012! I've heard they have some good Indian restaurants in alacante and as my dad used to say, it's all about learning about other peoples cultures and cuisines! I wonder what Spanish nan bread tastes like...

Change the topic to IT. "Done, but with errors on page." That's just like saying, "It's cooked, but has raw bits in the middle."...

Today's headline is "Rugby boss held in hacking probe". Woah. Looks like he dropped the ball on that one...

Thought for the day: Definition of irony. Size 18 skinny jeans...

There is an article about the hosepipe ban and it says that they have also turned off the fountains at Trafalgar Square. The hosepipe ban could be till at least the autumn. Damn, that means I won't be able to wash the car anymore, though there is a rule saying you can use it of you have a pond of goldfish. So I'm going to buy a pond, get some fish, put them all in the car and then switch on the taps...

The train is fairly quiet today and I suspect that a lot of people are "working from home today and Tuesday".

Lets end on a joke:
Two cavemen are in a cave.
One caveman says "ug".
The other caveman says "ug".
The first one says "ug ug"
The other caveman says "Don't change the bloody subject!"

And that's your lot. Have a lovely Easter sleep,

A small man called Kawks