21st December 2011 - The last journey home of the year

14:42 All stations to Uxbridge

I am writing the last journey home blog for the year and can barely see the screen through the tears. Finished my last meeting this afternoon and as I'm officially supposed to be on my hols have left the office.

The train has 4 passengers on it, each in their own compartments, and I think this is the closest I will ever get to the 'Orient Express' experience...

Even the evening standard is a thin edition today, with today's headline being "police woman held in bribes probe"...errr. She was receiving bribes from journalists (who else!) for insider information.

Then there is an amazing story of a transplant surgeon who gave his own kidney to save his mothers life. Not sure how he took out his own kidney and put it in his mums body, but still very impressive and well done to you.

Today's advert is just the TFL one about 'going shopping this weekend' check for planned tube disruption. Thanks TFL, thanks very much for that.

In other news, Beckham is moving to Paris on a 4m contract, at the age of 37. He will be receiving 800,000 euros after tax a month, which will certainly help with Posh's eating bills...

Oooh, Oooh, Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol is out on Boxing day. And the trailer looks magnificent! That Indian actor is in it too, no not Amitabh, the other one who did Millionaire and Slum Dog and even was the Pakistan President in he last series of 24. You know who I mean right?? Anil Kapoor, that's right. Will deffo be taking dad to that.

There is a Japanese man sitting opposite me with a 'Max Utd' Nike bag.. They must either be a very famous club in Japan, or he's recently been to Wembley Market... He had a huge gash on his forehead, but I was a bit scared to ask him if that was cause by a samurai sword...

Today's thought of the day is "Where would we be without maps?"...

Finally for this year, Preeti rang to say she is leaving me because I keep on telling her rhetorical questions...What does she know?

Right, thats your lot, have a merry Christmas, have lots of Christmas Pasta and have a lovely new year.

Kind regards

A small man called Kawks

16th December 2011 - The Journey Home

17:50 All stations Uxbridge

Well hello there! How are you? Remember me?

Save blog,..

So as you know, it's been a few days since my last blog and it's great to be back. Friday afternoon and the run up to Christmas. Yes boys and girls, spirits are high on the Met line today!

Save blog...

It's actually quiet on the train so either everyone is thinking up their New Years resolutions and what to buy Gran for Christmas or they are knackered after the work office party...

One of the chaps opposite me looks to be from overseas. Years of forensic training, the latest physiological insights tell me this. That and the fact that he has ski glasses on his head and a yellow luggage bag. Neat!

A lady is reading "The girl with the dragon tattoo". Which I believe (saw a poster on a London bus) has been turned into a movie and coming to a harrow cinema near you soon. I hear it's supposed to be very good, but to be honest with you dear blog reader, I have no expertise in chinese tattoos. I opted out after the Indian tattoo semester...

Save blog...


Headlines in the paper today: "Now bus drivers demand £500 for Olympics". Outrageous if you ask me! Where did they get the tickets from in the first place?...

Just did my good deed for the day and let a child have my seat. I demanded £500 for it, but she just stuck her tongue out at me...

2 Indian girls are talking Chav. "Bruv, don't bait me", "don't go there babe, it's critters", and "block my wall...a lie"

Now where did I put those noise reducing headphones...

Just checked out the adverts, but they have all been covered in previous blogs (1-10)

Wembley Park...save blog

Back to the newspaper, and on the next page is details of Britain's most expensive cup of coffee, at £70! They are ingested through an animal called the Luwaks, and excreted out the other end. Mmmm, where can I get a cup...

Just a quick calendar check for you good folks living in Liverpool. There are now only nine more shoplifting days until Christmas...

Just reading the forecast now, and the Met Office have issued an "amber" snow warning...Are they taking the piss?

Finally, I will leave you with today's thought of the day. In 20 years time, the hardest things our kids will have to do will be finding a user name that hasn't already been taken...

Have a fantastic evening, and a lovely sleep,

Kind regards

A small man called Kawks

...save blog

9th December 2011 - The Journey Home

19:00 semi fast to watford

Yay, it's the weekend and I'm feeling good! Had a nice and busy day and had lots of fun.

On one of the new (rubbish) tubes
So yep, standing as I write this.

Let's check out the Friday revellers!

There is a chap who looks like that president of Iran opposite me. Shadafunajad or whatever his name was. He has an interesting logo on his jacket which says "trepass". Neat, I originally read it as trespass and thought, err don't think so, you have nuclear weapons don't you!

We also have a ponytail man who looks like an artist. Yep, got a beard as well.

I'm wondering if I should suggest to the chap sitting in the "priority" seat to let me sit down now, as surely being 5ft 2 fits into the category of "less able to stand"

The man opposite has been struggling to do the first part of the sudoku puzzle. Might do and help him out in return for his seat.

Thought for the day: "I don't want to talk about it" is girl code for "I'd like to argue about this for a week".

There are no adverts on this tube, just explaining how wonderful the new tubes are. e.g. Easier access, air conditioning blah blah blah. The only thing I do like about them is the bit joining the 2 carriages that moves around like crazy is like a free fun fair ride!

Today's news in the Evening standard: "do not feed pigeons...or you will lose your council home". Wowza, not sure where to start with that one. Let's hear ur punchlines...

Update: nope still not done the first puzzle yet...

So last night, I wrapped the Christmas lights round Rajvi's head while she was asleep last night.You should have seen her face light up when i switched them on this morning...

Ok gang, I wish you the very best for the weekend and have a great sleep,

All the best,

A small man called Kawks

8th December 2011 - The Journey home

19:34 semi fast to Watford

Hey gang, remember me? It's been 2 days since my last blogfession! Basically, I've not used the tube for the last couple of days. Missed me huh?

So, the balaclava is out as it rained on the way to the station. Easier than holding a brolley, especially with my height. I always tend to poke the sharp bits into people's bellies, so now opt for a gansta style hat.

Who do we have today?

The lady opposite has been to the library me thinks. 2 books on psychotherapy, one regarding the theory of it and the other on the counselling aspects of it. The lady is of quite large size and I suspect that she just grabbed the first 2 books on section 616.891.401 (library index system) as she must have got out of breath. I should really show her my blogs to see what she makes of me!

What else. Opposite we have an Indian dude with a green cap that not only says Nike, but below also the words McMillian! Either that was nike's surname or he brought it from Wembley market for £1.99...

The chap next to him has a double knotted thick scarf. Must be a scout leader.

No one else in my bit to report on yet.

"500 channels and you still can't find anything to watch" is today's advert. I'm thinking Wowza, Sky has gone a bit OTT with their adult channels if you ask me! It's actually an advert for lovefilm and it's telling me that it learns what you like to view. Errr, no thanks!

Thought for today...Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?...

Headline in today's standard is 'till debt do us part: divorce soars in recession"

Wowza...interesting. I thought getting married was expensive enough. 4 out of 10 don't reach it to their silver anniversary which is shocking and I don't even know how many years is silver! It says people put up with marriage as long as there is enough money....hmmm.

So I went for my 6 monthly checkup yesterday and the bloke holds my 'delicates' and asks me to cough!

He goes, "how do you feel", to which I replied..."like changing my dentist mate"

Boom! At HoH and time to put my hat on and look scary.

Sweet dreams and thanks for coming.

A small man called Kawks

Monday 5th December - The Journey home

20:09 All stations to Uxbridge

Hello there matey pips, hope u are having a fine dinner. Kawks has just begun his journey home and will be with you for pudding.

Late ending due to an afterwork meeting to talk about work/life balance. Not really, very interesting meeting (for the record)...

Ok what do we have around us...

There this bloke with a big moustache and big shiny head wearing this big thick scarf...hang on, that's just a reflection of me in the mirror, let's start again!

The chap opposite looks exactly like an indian version of the bold bloke from Masterchef. If only if I had a spoon on me, I could have asked him to see if he can do an impersonation. (the bit where he takes 'a teaspoon to taste' and it's the size of Mount Everest!

Lots of people getting on at Baker street and a number of those Amazon Kindles in those lovely cases to make it look like they are really reading a book. The lady next to me is really getting into hers, as she is licking her finger before turning each page...neat.

Today's advert is 5p to any mobile network..how much!! Is this other mobile on the moon! Can't be bothered to read any more of it.

Ok time for thought of the day. Isn't it odd that the the human mind doesn't register the the fact that "the" was used twice each time in this sentence?

Funny and educational Blog. Well worth the £1 I hear you say. Why thank you and soon I'll have enough to buy a lottery ticket...

Finchley Road has arrived and nearly in range of a mobile signal so looking forward to the 'whatsapp' telling me off from Preeti for not being home yet.

This one woman (about 6ft, blond hair, Norwegian looking, perfect teeth and diamond blonde blue eyes)...yeah they get quite ugly at this time of night, is standing in the middle of the seats, even though there are empty seats next to her! what is it they say about brains and beauty again?

Before anyone says anything, yes my brain must be quite big!

And with that, she sits down. Hope she wasn't reading this blog! Ok I'll take a moment to pause as I want to give you all the facts and want to confirm they were deep blue rather than bottle blue eyes....

Headline for the day - I'll cut fares by 7% ken pledges. Is he still on that bloody coronation street.

The girl next to me is also on whatsapp talking to someone called Wendy Crawford. No not the model silly, that's Cindy, her sister...

OK nearly home now so just enough time to tell you about my little visit to the Dr over the weekend. I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

To which I replied, "On the all stations to Algate".

Boom, that's your lot folks. Have a lovely pudding and a great sleep.

Lots of love,

From a small man called Kawks

Friday 2nd December - The Journey Home

18:22 Fast Chesham

Wheyhey! It's Friday and we are feeling good. Du doon, du doon, du doon...

Walking to the station, I've noticed that there is a spring in everyone's step, and I may have been mistaken but some of my fellow commuters even had a smile on their face. Wowza!

So, having been doing this blog for a couple of weeks, I've been asking for feedback as you know and it's been coming in thick and fast! Ive looked at the feedback hard and deep and promise to do more people observation and adverts!

Not sure about this fast Chesham train, it's been 4 mins and it's not even here yet. Keep smiling and bouncing Kawks..happy Friday remember.

In the headlines today, we have Clarkson and the 21,000 people who complained about what he said. Anyone stupid enough to believe that he really called for the execution of striking public sector workers should be taken outside and shot in front of their families.

Less jokes Kawks, more observations pls. Ok looking left and right on the platform and still no train in sight.

There is a chap next to me whose name is Berhaus (that's what it says on his jacket), must be German right?, and he is scratching his chin, looking around and then writing something in his red leather bound note book. He's too tall (ie normal size) for me to read what he wrote and I guess even if I could, I don't understand German...

We has a train taken out of service (yep one of the new ones) so crammed into this one along with the world and his aunty who also decided to hang around on the westbound platform 2.

Yippee...I lift my legs and am automatically swept into the carriage. What? You've not tried that before,...works a treat! There are 25 of us between the bank of seats. Not bad, but my record is 32. A 12% tilt by the people already on board and we could have challenged it! Can you tell I work in Analytics?

One of the prisoners in my carriage (carriage 14, second from the back), is none other than a Margaret Thatcher lookalike. She is wearing pristine white gloves. Nice Margaret, very nice. Where's the snooker tournament?

There are 2 Russian lads next to me who look very happy with themselves. One has a bag inscribed with the words "Naerovo" Must be the equivalent of our Nike I guess...They have some Vodka in a tesco bag too, so that may explain the happiness.

Not much going on with the adverts today, just got Moonpig and Amazon kindle ones. Still that's 10p royalties for me for that little section.

There seem to be some super heroes on today, and challenging me for best super hero title. (I'm Super Lazy, kindly given to me by Preeti and Raj).

So we have Evil Eyebrow reader across the way who is reading today's Evening Standard with his glasses half way up his head! Wow that's Evil...

Indian man two seats down with the imitation NYC baseball cap, can you be a bit more discrete picking your nose and flicking it on the floor please.

Talk about karma, the tube doesn't stop at Vembly so ha! He will probably come back as a wasp in his next life too.

I don't know if there is a convention in town today, but just seen a Will Smith lookalike, and yep he has the same ears as well. Where is Will these days, not seen him in ages. I know that 'I am Leg End (as I called it) was a dog, but would be good to see you again man (as long it's not Men in Black 12)

Man, how long is today's blog..either this journey is well slow or my fingers are super fast today.

Right changing at HOH, so let's leave it there.

Wishing you a lovely sleep

A small man called Super Lazy

1st December 2011 - The Journey Home

18:23 Fast Chesham

Good evening matey pips, how are we all? Who can believe we are in December already! Wowza.

Today I spent most of my day at a conference in Angel. I've never been to Angel before, but having been there, I might sin a little more. Still had a free lunch ( yep mushroom pasta) and a lemon pastry thing. Yum. They had those fancy dan plates with the plastic holder for your drink. My orange juice got a bit stuck in it, so I just tilted the plate when I got thirsty. Classy Kawks, very classy. Luckily I was wearing someone else's badge, so that was ok...

Let's check today's headline. It's saying that the recent budget cuts will particularly hit woman who are set to lose £2bn in the squeeze. Hopefully this means they won't need those massive bags they bring on the tube anymore (yep the ones that squash against my face, and I've been known to fall into them, specially at the bumpy track bit near Vembly Paark.

Also on the front of the paper is a lovely picture of the Duchess of Cambridge (Kate), you were thinking of the one who looks like a horse right? Anyways, she appears to be wearing a massive popadom hat. Don't blame her, some of those official ceremony things do drag on, and one must eat...

Not sure what the plans are for tonight at home, but I'm feeling super lazy. that's basically me being lazy with a cape on.

A lovely lady who looks just like 'Never ate a rotli', you know that woman tennis player who liked the err ladies. Yeah, well she's playing chess on her phone. I guess she's not into ball games...

Quote for the day '"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.'

The only small point I'd like to raise is that this dude must be one hell of a slow eater...

Last bit of news for you, they are banning calculators from primary schools going forward. Woah, that's gonna divide quite a few people.

Right at HOH and need to change trains, it's raining so need to hold up my brolly. So let's leave it there.

For the tape, 19:00 and Kawks has left the blog room.

Have a lovely sleep,

A small man called Kawks