Thursday 3rd May 2012 - The Journey Home

18:22 Semi fast to Watford

Well hello there. Just looked at my viewing stats and we are nearly at the 5,000 views mark! You know what that means right blog readers? Yes that's right, one of my Rap/Poems from me to say thank you! So we are nearly half way to the goal of 10,000 views and then the gig goes live...I've booked out the work auditorium for 12th September 2012 based on some analytics of viewing figures to date!

Everyone on this tube is looking quite happy today and I wonder if that's because Thursday's are now the new Fridays, so no one is going to go into work tomorrow...

Today's headline is "Final polls put Boris in the lead". Well, there you go.

There is also a story about the art painting "The Scream" being sold for £74m. Wowza. It was expected to go for £50m and the new owner is rumoured to be the Qatar royal family.

I'm going to spend the rest of today giving you some extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

7. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

8. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

9.This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

10. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Ahem. I think we should leave it there! Have a lovely sleep.

A small man called Kawks.

Wednesday 2nd May 2012 - The Journey Home

18:51 All stations to Uxbridge

Evening gang. Hope you all had fun today and good to see it didn't rain as this drought is costing me loads of money in sand bags...

Let's crack on with the headlines. "I want a Boris in every city - PM. 2 things about that headline.

1. Will Ken have to change his name to Boris if he wins

2. Who looks after the city in the morning?

There is also a story about the border guards going on strike next Thursday. Hmmm, not sure we will notice.

There are some olympic adverts on this tube. They are providing advice such as "Walking part of your journey may be quicker during the games". Agree with that, if part of the journey is where you normally catch the tube, bus, taxi or water boat previously. Thanks TFL, that's been helpful.

That reminds me, do you tend to put "that's very helpful" on your emails when someone sends you some random stuff so you feel like you need to say something but haven't got a clue what they just said. No? Ahh, just me then...

There are no interesting pictures to take on the tube today, so I've attached the cover to my book, which is available on iTunes if you have an iPad. Thanks to Yee Hung for the drawing, it's fantastic!

There is a story about a new cable car which will let you cross the river at heights of 90 metres. It can transport 10 people at a time. Woah, maybe I'll use that instead of the tube during the Olympics. It cost £60m to build. Great. that's helpful.

Texting damages children's language skills claims Sir Terry Pratchet. Woah nt sure the dude nose wat he's taking bout.

Hey, hey, have you heard about the new way to meet new people, keep up with friends and family, and see what's happening in the world? It's called going outside and getting a bloody life...

Got some sad news for you dear blog reader. I can't believe my best mate, Gavin, has died of severe heartburn.

Gav is gone...

Let's end on thought for the day: I don't understand fast food. I've been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower...

Right that's your lot. Have a lovely sleep,

A small man called Kawks.

Tuesday 1st May 2012 - The Journey Home

18:52 Semi fast to Watford

Good evening folks. The gig at work went well, and some of the audience even pretended to laugh at my jokes. Thanks mum!

So, Roy Hodgson's got the top job I see. To be honest with you my dear blog reader, I think it's a good choice as he got a lot of experience of managing rubbish teams...

Did you see in this morning metro that bit about the artistic flair out there with the 'draw something' app, which is sweeping the nation! I'm thinking of submitting my pic of a unicorn. See below and let me know what you think...and to think back to when my art school teacher said 'you will only ever be good at computers and one liners'...well whose drawing now?...

Sorry came over all emotional there for a sec. Let's move onto the headlines.

"Murdoch unf". Actually I can't be bothered, looks boring...

So, at lunchtime I walked down to Robert Dyas (the one on Fleet Street).

"Excuse me," I asked, "Have you got any 6" screws?".

"Only what we've got on the shelf," replied the cashier pointing.

I don't know why he's selling these, I thought to myself as I unscrewed them and the shelf fell down...

Thought for the day: Never give money to a hospital. They'll probably spend it on drugs.

Woah, check out the pic I've just taken. There is a dude sitting on another dudes knee. And that Met line is why you need more seats on the new (rubbish) train. I'm not even sure they know each other, but a mans gotta do, what a mans gotta do.

I was on the Flixter app at lunchtime looking at what's being released in the Cinemas at the moment. That film about Gypsies looks shite... Believe me, I've just seen the trailer...

There is an article today about London being named the best place to visit on the Planet! Wow who did they ask? the London Tourism board? Ah, it was based on TripAdvisor. Well done London. Well bloody done. Not sure I can type much more as I've got a tear in my eye...

Hey good news to share. I sold the Lexus in the local newspaper today. The bloke that bought it spent 3 hours unwrapping it...

Right, that's enough nonsense for one day, let's leave it there. Have a great sleep!

A small man called Kawks

Monday 30th April - The Journey Home

18:04 Semi fast to Watford

Well hello there. I trust you all had a wonderful wet weekend! It was droughting cats and dogs in Harrow.

So I've discovered a new hobby this weekend which is shooting. Yes from online to the real thing. It was a bit scary to begin but a couple of hours later, I was squinting and holding my breath like a professional. Not sure they were that impressed with that look at Harrow Nightclub though.

The tube is quite busy (112%) but I've managed to get a seat. This 'blog on board' badge I made last night is really working. Don't worry old lady, with this new (rubbish) met line you will hardly notice that you've been standing for 1hr 15 mins.

Today's headline is "Ring of middle sites in Capital". Woah. There will be 6 sites and will be guarding us against a 9/11 attack. Hmm not sure that's money well spent as surely the games will be over by 9/11...It goes onto say that it's Cameron who will decide when to press the button. Woah, let's hope he's not on the loo if it all kicks off..

Thought for the day: Why did controlling one quarter of the world not translate into one quarter of the world having the same shaped plug socket as us?

Goodness gracious me! That's right, they are making a new series of 4 shows due to air in the summer.

Before I go on, did I tell you that my grandfather was a bitter man...He hated any other types of beer.

There is an article about the long queues at Heathrow and the fact that it took 3 hrs for some peeps to get through security. They have brought in reinforcements from manchester to help out so from today there should be 3 desks manned rather than the regular 2. I don't know about you, but do you put on a posh English voice, when it comes to your turn. I know I do...

I'm in the dog house this week. Only took Preeti to Thorpe Park yesterday and we visited the hall of mirrors. "Look love, they've got one of those mirrors that makes you look well fat". To which she replied "that's a normal one"

Let's just say the beans on toast dinner I cooked myself was lovely.

Right, Rayners is in sight, so let's leave it there. Have a great sleep.

A small man called Kawks.

Friday 27th April 2012 - The Journey Home

18:48 All stations to Uxbridge

Whoo hoo, yes folks, your thinking it, I'm thinking it. That's right, it's stopped raining for a bit.

The man next to me is reading Hunger Games (catch the fire). He is 37yrs old according to the facial recognition software I've just used and he is a banker called Dave. Rajvi should be getting her copy today (via Amazon - £3.99), as she has just finished the first one. Before you ask, yep she said the book is better than the film. When was that not the case, apart from Speed 2.

I went to Shoe Lane Library this afternoon to ask if they had any books on Suicide. The librarian refused to give it to me as he said that it's the 5th copy they have brought, as no one bothers to return it. Joke guys! No need to ring the samaritans for me. I'm having the time of my life!

Today's blog is an milestone. Why you ask, and why are the characters so massive. Well that's because I'm typing it on my iPad as both my iPhone and Blackberry are dead. I'm having to be extra careful so no one can read what I'm typing, especially when it's about them!

Had some bad news at work today. Got an email to say that I had failed my fire safety training. The question was 'in the event of a fire, what steps should you take?' Apparently 'bloody big ones' was the wrong answer...

We are at Wembley Park and the tube is 34% full. Everyone looks tired and busy looking into their gadget.

Today's headline is "Terminal Chaos hits Heathrow". Woah, sounds like some evil super hero. It says that the airport was branded "omni-megashambles". Gonna see if I can use that word in some of my meetings going forward. It goes on to say that tennis star, Andy Murray and Alistair Campbell faced lengthy delays. So not all bad then...

They say that one in every seven friends has OCD. It's not me. It's either Albert, Brian, Craig, Dave, Edward or Fred...

So, after work today I decided to have a cheeky orange juice before heading home. Next to me, and to my surprise, there was a clock sat at the bar having a drink. The barman told me that he often comes in to unwind...

Boom! and we are at Rayners. Have a great weekend and a lovely sleep.

A small man called Kawks

Thursday 26th April 2012 - The Journey Home

18:37 Fast Amersham


Hello gang. I'm seeing a few smiles on the train this evening. This means one of three things (can you tell I've been on a presentation skills course).

1. It's coming to the end of the week
2. It's stopped raining
3. People have indigestion

I'm going to start with the sporting headlines today (who says I don't listen to reader feedback).

"Suspended Terry can lift trophy, says UEFA." Hmm, not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration?

The front page headline today is "Police probe London voting fraud". Err.
It talks about the creation of bogus voters in the east end. What! The Queen Vic ain't real?

I don't know why, but I've just had a random thought about Father Christmas (as you do). I'm not sure if you are with me on this one dear blog reader but I've kinda fallen out with him due to his favouritism. I mean why should the rich kids get the best presents from him...

There is one of those world poems in the carriage today. It starts...

A street in Bath, a bus in Medellin
A gesture in Gyeongiu, a yellow f

Damn, must have dosed off there and we are nearly at harrow on the hill...

Thought for the day: Change is a part of life. After all, you can't expect to always have the right amount in cash...

Right, let's leave it there! Have a great sleep.

A small man called Kawks

Wednesday 25th April 2012 - The Journey Home

20:03 All stations to Chesham

Good evening everyone. On my way home after a lovely dinner at Pizza Express (don't tell Preeti).

This could be a short blog as there are no papers and only 23% passengers and it's the new train so no adverts.

Have a great Sle...

No one is talking so I can't even listen in. This tube is running with delays as someone went under the line earlier. I was in shock to be honest with you. I mean it's not even a Monday or Friday...Maybe they got their days mixed up with all this rain.

So this morning, I thought I'd make a buck or two by putting some of my DVD films on EBay. To my horror, I've just been alerted to the fact that 6 people are watching it! Why would they buy it from me now?

Random thought of the day: I bought a mouthwash which says, "24 hour protection". If that is the case, then why the hell do I have to "use it twice daily"?

At work today, everyone was talking about the Chelsea Barca match. Torres goal meant that Chelsea went through on the No-Way goals rule...

We have got to Wembley park and I'm gonna have a nap for a bit.

See you folks tomorrow. Have a great sleep.

A small man called Kawks